Monday, February 8, 2010


Have you ever been emotionally triggered and hijacked by something your ex said or did? Have you ever been emotionally triggered and hijacked by something your ex didn't say or do? When you're "plugged in" to the actions of someone else, you typically have a strong emotional reaction. You know that you are right and the other person is wrong. When emotions run high, intelligence tends to run low. When that happens it's hard to make good decisions or relate and communicate well with others.

You know you're stuck in this pitfall when you are reactive and start to see everything in absolutes -- things become black or white. The blame game starts. Climbing up on the soap box, you pull out the laundry list of all the grievances you have against your ex-partner. You share it with anyone who will listen. Those negative, repetitive thoughts get louder. Ironically, the person you publicly proclaim you're "over with" ends up consuming your thoughts, time, energy, and peace of mind.

In the breakup of an intimate relationship, you move through many layers of "disentangling." It takes time to disengage the emotional connection and reframe the relationship you have with your ex. As author Debbie Ford says, if the relationship with your ex-spouse feels difficult, it indicates there's still work to do. "We must heal our inner wounds. If we don't do it, we keep fueling the conflict and the hurt."
Written by Carol B. Ellis

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For more information, contact the Family Law Offices of Renee M. Marcelle at (415) 456-4444, or online at


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